Dante had his inferno, Dickens Chancery, and us, well we have Ikea. I bought a trolley’s worth of candles, napkins, picture frames and other such stuff I didn’t need. I dutifully queued at the checkout. All the stuff shuffled along the conveyor belt, baleful faces all around. Everyone guiltily glancing at each other, all would have been less shamefaced coming out of a sex shop, such is the shame of allowing yourself to be conned into coming into this hell hole.
When the last of my (it’s only two quid how could I resist it) purchases had been shoved through, the assistant on till 49 told me that I couldn’t buy one of the items as it didn’t have a bar code. Going and getting another one (witches at Salem would have received better treatment than I would by the rest of the queue had I done so) was out so I paid up and wondered what to do as I really wanted this white box to put all the crap in I’d just bought. So I asked No 49 if I could leave my trolley anywhere and go and get said box. “No”. Is there nowhere I can store my stuff “No”. Can I go back in then with my trolley “yes”. So in I go, get the box, and queue up in a baskets only line, as all the others stretch back to Newcastle.
Half way to the till the assistant (No 5) does a Trisha ‘talk the hand’ routine with me. “No trolleys” “I only have one item” “No trolleys, I ain’t serving you” “I only have one item, I’m not moving”. I get to the front of the queue “No trolleys, I ain’t serving you” I explain, again, I only have one item, I had to go back into the store, No 49 said it was ok, look here is my receipt etc. “SECURITY” she yells. “What, why are you doing that?” “YOU HAVE TO BE SEARCHED, YOU’VE BEEN IN THE STORE WITH YOUR TROLLEY, I AINT SERVING YOU”.
Anyway, manager called, very sorry, could have found item in book they have at till, 49 could have done that, you can have trolley in this (No 5’s) aisle, she should have served you. Thanks for using Ikea bye bye. And would they care if I never went back. Would they fuck. And will I go back, no doubt. And so will we all. I guess, unlike the inferno, we can keep on getting burnt.