Day 19 Ten things I hate about you

I know when I’ve had a drink, I might try and post on your profile babe, maybe have a little chat – even try and give you a poke for old times’ sake. But in the cold light of a morning hangover the ten reasons I hate being your friend on Facebook come back to haunt me:-

1. Your sentimentality
Don’t make me party to your pity party; sharing with me that someone you know, or someone you don’t know but heard about, or someone you don’t know, haven’t heard about but you’re certain exists, has asked you to tell everyone that it’s important that they share this soppy shit.

2. Your hobbies
I don’t want you to tell me every single time you’ve ploughed a field or fed your cow. If there was an EU subsidy for Farmville you’d get it, the amount of time you spend there. And as for telling me how many stars you’ve got on Angry Birds I can only wish you as good an outcome as Tippi Hedren’s Melanie Daniels got from Hitchcock.

3. Your i-phone app’d photos
First it was sepia, then it was green, then it got a frayed edge. Now you have your head stuck onto a victorian gentlemen. I get that you have an i-phone, I’m happy for you that you can make your photos look vintage. You just can’t make them look decent.

4. Location, location, location
What is it with you geezers and maps. If I need to know where you are I’ll ring you up and ask you. So what if you’re in Costa Coffee? So what if you’ve got a badge at Four Square – you’re not in the Scouts. Unless you have something interesting to tell me about your locale then just assume I’m not interested.

5. The sound of you eating
So you made a Jamie recipe? Bully for you. How many more times will I have to see a picture of your lasagne? This is not Masterchef and you’re impressing no-one.

6. Your laugh
Everything makes you lol and when you’ve finished that you rotfl. But you’re not are you? You’re just *saying* that you are. Imagine being face to face with me and I tell you “I am laughing out loud at that funny thing you just said”. Mind you, I wouldn’t ‘cos when I’m with you I feel bfm (bloody fucking miserable).

7. Your mates
No-one can have 974 friends. Most of them you couldn’t pick out of a line-up. School friends you never see, people from work who you never socialise with and your cousin who you always told me you hated. All of them hitting the like button as if it’s an adequate substitute for a conversation.

8. Your germs

I’ve caught some terrible viruses off of you. First you tell me I can “see whose stalking you”, then you send me “the sexiest video ever” and then you send me a “harmless prank that ends in tragedy”. The tragedy is that I fell for them all and I’m still fighting the infection.

9. Your family album
Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad you have kids, I just don’t want to see them. Same goes for your dog, and your cat and all your relations. I don’t even really want to see pictures of you as a kid – when I came round your house you didn’t get the photo album out, what makes you think it’s any more appropriate here?

10. Your objectivity
Looking out at the world and reporting back to me what you see is not good enough. What can I learn from that? That it’s a sunny day? That there are tall buildings in London? Put the photos on Flickr and stick those observations in your diary. I want you to share with me your thoughts about what you see, to engage me in a conversation. Why not take time to write something interesting rather than the two seconds consideration you currently give your posts. Research something, travel around and bring me back some information treasure. Embrace subjectivity. Be a better Facebook Friend; stop hiding who you really are and maybe I’ll stop hiding your posts.

Disclaimer: The events depicted in this post are not fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead on Facebook is entirely deliberate.

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